Handle with care.
She got her birthday gift. ”Handle with care”, it read. A glass ballerina, from the glass maker. How predictable, she lamented. Her father’s creation, she knew that for sure. It was his work. She placed it carelessly on her desktop. She pretended not to care.
‘When was the last time you called dad?’ a voice kept screaming in her head all day. She tried to remember. But to no avail. The only thing she remembered was the last time she had heard his voice yelling from the other room, cursing her. “God, focus Avanti, focus”, she kept muttering to herself. She could not go wrong now, not here, she had a point to prove.
As a child, she never had had this problem. She could go on concentrating beyond all her friends. When her teachers thought most of the students were fatigued with the subject, Avanti was always the one to coax them to continue. But today, she was tired, fatigued and irritable. “Where is the nurse…? Why is everybody so bloody tired and lazy…” she was yelling again, just like her dad. She did not want to realize that they had been working for 48hrs now.
The earth had moved suddenly that day. Unawares, many had been swallowed into the ground. Many lay there in their tombs, breathing their last breaths, waiting. She wondered what if….”NO , don’t be distracted…”, she almost yelled that out too. She was talking to herself again.
And then she did it. The heart of the man who lay beneath her fingers did the most natural thing it could do. Beat. With every beat she began to smile. “Yes, dad will be so proud!” she exclaimed in her mind. She could go on forever now. The fatigue had vanished. She was happy again.
‘Trrriing'..
‘Triiiing’..
“Hello”
“Yes, that’s me, his daughter”
“ohh…..ok”
“I’ll be there by noon tomorrow”
“The funeral must start as early as possible, I have a lot of patients here who need my help”
‘When was the last time you called dad?’ a voice kept screaming in her head all day. She tried to remember. But to no avail. The only thing she remembered was the last time she had heard his voice yelling from the other room, cursing her. “God, focus Avanti, focus”, she kept muttering to herself. She could not go wrong now, not here, she had a point to prove.
As a child, she never had had this problem. She could go on concentrating beyond all her friends. When her teachers thought most of the students were fatigued with the subject, Avanti was always the one to coax them to continue. But today, she was tired, fatigued and irritable. “Where is the nurse…? Why is everybody so bloody tired and lazy…” she was yelling again, just like her dad. She did not want to realize that they had been working for 48hrs now.
The earth had moved suddenly that day. Unawares, many had been swallowed into the ground. Many lay there in their tombs, breathing their last breaths, waiting. She wondered what if….”NO , don’t be distracted…”, she almost yelled that out too. She was talking to herself again.
And then she did it. The heart of the man who lay beneath her fingers did the most natural thing it could do. Beat. With every beat she began to smile. “Yes, dad will be so proud!” she exclaimed in her mind. She could go on forever now. The fatigue had vanished. She was happy again.
‘Trrriing'..
‘Triiiing’..
“Hello”
“Yes, that’s me, his daughter”
“ohh…..ok”
“I’ll be there by noon tomorrow”
“The funeral must start as early as possible, I have a lot of patients here who need my help”
Suddenly, the glass on the table top fell. The ballerina lay on the floor, shattered in remorseful million pieces.
Reviews:
Abbas: Shirin
This was a delicate theme that it seems like you rushed through which is sad because this was exploding with potential. You need to keep us in the space of this woman. We should be the fly on her wall.
Another thing that struck me was the coldness of this woman on receiving the news that her father has expired. I take it that she was a doctor but still it was her father. I would have loved to see you do something more with the moment that she receives the news. I would have to see the very human side of a doctor who after battling courageously for 48 hours snaps to indicate a fragility that is altogether humane, altogether real. Then, the ballerina shattering in a million pieces would have had a more profound effect. It would go beyond merely metaphor to the regions of symbolism.
Great stuff Shirin, but this could have been sublime.
Reviews:
Abbas: Shirin
This was a delicate theme that it seems like you rushed through which is sad because this was exploding with potential. You need to keep us in the space of this woman. We should be the fly on her wall.
Another thing that struck me was the coldness of this woman on receiving the news that her father has expired. I take it that she was a doctor but still it was her father. I would have loved to see you do something more with the moment that she receives the news. I would have to see the very human side of a doctor who after battling courageously for 48 hours snaps to indicate a fragility that is altogether humane, altogether real. Then, the ballerina shattering in a million pieces would have had a more profound effect. It would go beyond merely metaphor to the regions of symbolism.
Great stuff Shirin, but this could have been sublime.
@abbas
I like to write short stuff. Sorry to make it seem rushed.
Okay, and I think I screwed the end. I intended for 'the ballerina' to be the symbol of Avanti, and I think I got that a bit.
But what I actually wanted to depict in the end was ; that Avanti was so upset "she" suddenly and forcefully dropped the ballerina from the table...implying the anger she had within herself for:
a. Not listening to her intuition.
b. For trying to keep her nerves on the phone, when she actually wanted to scream.(The woman was not intended for to be cold, only too well disciplined)
c.For the loss of the man who had thoughfully given her the ballerina.
Guess I was trying for the 'in between the lines' effect...
Nikhil: @ Shirin Nicely written
Amrita: Shirin I found your piece woefully short and abrupt. There were so many undercurrents below the surface of your words, but you did not work hard enough to bring them to the top. I find your piece fascinating in what it could become, not what it already is.
Mukta: Shirin: I liked this a lot. The terse manner of delivery hits the story home. A snapshot of a disturbing incident... I thought the lack of emotion displayed by the girl at the climax was a good move, it gives a little drama, a sense of mystery at her character- although I felt that you could have heightened this by showing a bit more internal talk of the confusing emotions she had for her father. ( I want to interpret it as not just she is too callous or busy to take time out to talk to him, but also maybe that they had a more complex relationship, I saw hints of that , I dont know if you intended this). Again her nononsense attitude towards work is complimented by her lack of display of emotions- too tired or just too hit by everything, she doesnt show her emotions. Good stuff.
Anthropomorphic: Shirin:Crisp. Starts of a bit typically, but ends satisfactorily. I loved the part where the man's heart begins to beat again. Also, need to proofread and eliminate some punctuation errors.
Shirin:
@ everybody who commented:Thanks for sharing your 'pearls of wisdom'.
Hopefully, the next one I write will come off satisfactory to most*
Till then, Cheers.
I like to write short stuff. Sorry to make it seem rushed.
Okay, and I think I screwed the end. I intended for 'the ballerina' to be the symbol of Avanti, and I think I got that a bit.
But what I actually wanted to depict in the end was ; that Avanti was so upset "she" suddenly and forcefully dropped the ballerina from the table...implying the anger she had within herself for:
a. Not listening to her intuition.
b. For trying to keep her nerves on the phone, when she actually wanted to scream.(The woman was not intended for to be cold, only too well disciplined)
c.For the loss of the man who had thoughfully given her the ballerina.
Guess I was trying for the 'in between the lines' effect...
Nikhil: @ Shirin Nicely written
Amrita: Shirin I found your piece woefully short and abrupt. There were so many undercurrents below the surface of your words, but you did not work hard enough to bring them to the top. I find your piece fascinating in what it could become, not what it already is.
Mukta: Shirin: I liked this a lot. The terse manner of delivery hits the story home. A snapshot of a disturbing incident... I thought the lack of emotion displayed by the girl at the climax was a good move, it gives a little drama, a sense of mystery at her character- although I felt that you could have heightened this by showing a bit more internal talk of the confusing emotions she had for her father. ( I want to interpret it as not just she is too callous or busy to take time out to talk to him, but also maybe that they had a more complex relationship, I saw hints of that , I dont know if you intended this). Again her nononsense attitude towards work is complimented by her lack of display of emotions- too tired or just too hit by everything, she doesnt show her emotions. Good stuff.
Anthropomorphic: Shirin:Crisp. Starts of a bit typically, but ends satisfactorily. I loved the part where the man's heart begins to beat again. Also, need to proofread and eliminate some punctuation errors.
Shirin:
@ everybody who commented:Thanks for sharing your 'pearls of wisdom'.
Hopefully, the next one I write will come off satisfactory to most*
Till then, Cheers.
Votes : 1...yay!
Akshay:
“Handle with care” springs entirely panoplied. It was largely a good work. The plot was appealing. The introduction, the rising action, the falling action and the denouement was given a good shape. The outcome is so much evident. I loved the struggle the protagonist goes through - the internal conflict - which I personally look for and highly prize in every story I read. It is the opposition of forces which ties one incident to another and makes the plot move. The story neatly cuts through the layers to expose the bare face of the environment Avanti is in. Also, the structural aspect - mixing of long with short sentences - did stand for a noticeably good flow. Mostly, it did not seem larger than life, but I wonder why did the ballerina “suddenly” fall? Based on how imaginatively the writers indulged into the central idea - fragility - I think Shirin did an impressive work. I wish if the character of the protagonist could have been revealed better. All in all, I feel it was a good piece (Gosh…Do I envy)
“Handle with care” springs entirely panoplied. It was largely a good work. The plot was appealing. The introduction, the rising action, the falling action and the denouement was given a good shape. The outcome is so much evident. I loved the struggle the protagonist goes through - the internal conflict - which I personally look for and highly prize in every story I read. It is the opposition of forces which ties one incident to another and makes the plot move. The story neatly cuts through the layers to expose the bare face of the environment Avanti is in. Also, the structural aspect - mixing of long with short sentences - did stand for a noticeably good flow. Mostly, it did not seem larger than life, but I wonder why did the ballerina “suddenly” fall? Based on how imaginatively the writers indulged into the central idea - fragility - I think Shirin did an impressive work. I wish if the character of the protagonist could have been revealed better. All in all, I feel it was a good piece (Gosh…Do I envy)
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